Palmares

Excellence takes a lifetime to achieve. Mediocrity, however, is easily attainable with only a little practice. Best of all, whereas excellence fades the moment you stop focusing on it, halfassedness requires zero concentration and can be maintained indefinitely. I began cycling in 1982, and racing in 1984. Since that time I have done tons of races, but have rarely excelled in any of them. I can only remember the ones listed below, and that’s with the help of various online databases. The really old ones probably never even happened, but they seem like they did, or should have, or might have, or, perhaps they happened to someone else and I’m confusing me with him.

Whatever.

If you’re going to blog about bike racing, people should know who they’re dealing with. Nothing speaks about your competence as a bike racer better than your race results, or, in my case, the lack thereof.

2017

10th, 805 Crit, 35+
20th, 805 Crit, 45+
41st, CBR Crit #5, 35+
66th, CBR Crit #5, 45+
6th, District Championships, 2-Person TT
43rd, CBR Crit #4, 35+
31st, CBR Crit #4, 45+
DNF, Lake Elizabeth RR, 45+
31st, CBR Crit, #3, 50+
12th, UCLA RR, 45+
DNF, Rosena Ranch Circuit Race, 35+
1st, Rosena Ranch Circuit Race, 50+
31st, CBR Crit #2, 50+
12th, UCLA Road Race, 45+
1st, CBR Crit #1, 50+

2016

25th, CBR Upgrade Race, Cat 2
16th, CBR Crit, 40+
4th, CBR Crit, 50+
50th, Carlsbad Grand Prix, 45+
48th, ARCO Grand Prix of Long Beach, 50+
28th, SCNCA State Masters Criterium Championships, 40+
49th, SCNCA State Masters Criterium Championships, 50+
5th, San Marcos Even More Flaccid Fellows, 45+
23rd, San Marcos Flaccid Fellows Crit, 35+
2nd, CBR Memorial Day Crit, 45+
29th, CBR Memorial Day Crit, 35+
49th, Barry Wolfe GP, 45+
31st, Barry Wolfe GP, 35+
45th, LA Circuit Race, 45+
6th, Rosena Ranch Circuit Race, 45+
42nd, Lake Castaic District Championship Road Race, 45+
24th, Vlees Huis Road Race, 45+ Beatdown
DNF, Boulevard Road Race, 45+
DNF, Rosena Ranch, 35+ Very Tired Category
44th Rosena Ranch, 45+ Missed the Split Category
38th, UCLA Road Race, 45+
2nd, Tuttle Creek Road Race, 35+/45+ Combined. Best road race on the calendar!
DNF, Santa Barbara Road Race, 45+ Category. Miserable flat on Lap 3 …
40th CBR Crit 1, 50+ Category
35th CBR Crit 1, 40+ Category

2015

60th-ish, CBR Season Finale, 40+ Category
54th, CBR Season Finale, 50+ Leaky Prostate Category
4th, CBR Crit, 50+ Leaky Prostate Category
54th, CBR Crit, 40+ Hang on for Dear Life Category
30th, Brentwood Grand Prix, 50+
6th, Avenue of the Flags Crit, 50+, last out out of the break. Again.
10th, Chula Vista Circuit Race, 40+
4th, Chula Vista Circuit Race, 50+, and I DIDN’T GET LAST IN THE BREAK!
47th, CBR Crit #5, 40+, paaaack meeeeat
6th, CBR Crit #5, 50+, another 6-man break in which I was again last of the best
5th, Barry Wolfe Grand Prix, 50+, madman 6-up breakaway that involved the Handlebar Doping Nontroversy
49th, Torrance Crit, Pro-1-2-3, never again
19th, Districts Masters Championship, Vlees Huis course, 50+
13th, Castaic Road Race, 50+
1st, Rosena Ranch Circuit Race, 45+, holy shitcakes, Batman! Wanky won again!!!!!
51st, CBR Crit, 50+ Colostomy Category
24th, UCLA Road Race, 45+ Leaky Prostate Division
2nd*, Tuttle Creek Road Race, 45+, but note the asterisk.
34th, Boulevard Road Race, 40+ Not Quite Leaking Yet Category, this was the fuggin’ race I trained for all winter, oh well.
DNF, Santa Barbara County Road Race, 45+ Leaky Prostate Division, saddle came off, back to my losing ways.
3rd, CBR Crit, 50+. More evidence of cheating, obviously!!
1st, Rosena Ranch Circuit Race, 45+. Finally people will start saying I’m doping … yeeeessssssss!

2014

10th, CBR Upgrade Crit, 2/3
DNF, CXLA Weekend, 45+A
13th, SLO Cross, 45+A
18th, UdoCross, 45+A
15th, Velocity Cross, 45+A
4th, SoCal Cup Bike Race #9, 35+
36th, San Marcos Crit, 45+
DNF, 805 Citerium Weekend Lompoc VoF SCNCA Elite Championship, 35+
DNF, 805 Criterium Weekend Buellton Avenue of Flags, 35+
19th, 805 Criterium Weekend Hancock Twilight, 35+
146th, SPY BelgianWaffle Ride. Don’t snicker if you weren’t there.
28th, District Championships, 50+
22nd, LA Circuit Race, 35+
37th, San Dimas Crit, 45+
39th, Bonelli Park Road Race, 45+
31st, Glendora Mountain Rd. Time Trial, 45+
10th, Chuck Pontius Road Race, 50+
26th, SoCal Cup Bike Race #2, 50+
29th, UCLA Road Race, 45+
DNF, Boulevard Road Race, 45+
DFL, Red Trolley Crit, 45+

2013

15th, SoCal Cross Series #11, Cross at the Beach, 45+A Category
10th, SoCal Cross Series #4, Pacifica Crossfest, 45+A Category
8th, SoCal Cross Series #3 Race, Vail Lake, 45+A Category
9th, SoCal Cross Series #2 Race, Prado Lake, 45+ A Category
DNF, SoCal Cross Series #1 Race, DTLA, 45+ A Category, flatted on the first lap.
DNF, Masters National Crit, 50-54, Loose Gums Category
38th, Masters National Road Race, 50-54 Drippy Bowels Category
5th, CBR Crit, 50+ Leaky Prostate Category
18th, Torrance Crit, 35+ Very Fast Young Pups Category
19th, Brentwood Grand Prix, 45+ Leaky Category
33rd, San Marcos Criterium, 45+ Creaky Knees Category
41st, Ride it Like You Stole it Criterium, 45+ Achey Prostate Category
38th, Valley of Flowers Criterium, 35+ Category
36th, Avenue of the Flags Criterium, 45+ Category
31st, Ladera Ranch Grand Prix, 45+ Category
23rd, Ladera Ranch Grand Prix, 50+ Category
54th, Kool & Fit Criterium, 50+ Category
56th, Kool & Fit Criterium, 45+ Category
3rd, Public Safety Memorial Day Crit, 45+ Category
DFL, CBR Now Energy Crit, 50+ Category
DNF, UCLA Road Race, 45+ Category
15th, Boulevard Road Race, 45+ Category (this was amazing beyond belief)
45th, next-to-DFL, 45+ Ol’ Duffers Category, Mothballs Criterium
29th, 45+, Poor College Kids Road Race
3rd, 50+ Very Elderly Gentlemen with Bruised Prostates, CBR Crit, Dominguez Hills

2012

12th a/k/a DFL, Storm the Beach ‘Cross
15th a/k/a DFL, San Diego ‘Cross
11th, 45+ A, Spooky Cross Sunday Race, never crashed!
15th, 45+A, Spooky Cross Saturday Race
8th, CBR Upgrade Crit, 2/3
15th, 45+A, DTLA Historic Park ‘Cross Race, Prestige Series Race #2
22nd, 45+A, CX in the OC, Prestige Series Race #1
20th, Men’s C, CX in the OC, Prestige Series Race #1
11th, 45+ Elderly Gentlemen Who Are Nonetheless Ready for Nationals, CBR Crit, Dominguez Hills
32nd, 45+ Elderly Gentlemen Who Don’t Always Stay Upright Category, Brentwood Grand Prix
37th, 35+ Very Fast Dudes with Whom I Had No Business Riding Category, San Marcos Circuit Race
29th, 45+ Elderly Gentlemen with Prostate Issues Category, San Marcos Circuit Race
49th, P/1/2/3 Dominguez Hills crit, hanging on for dear fucking life. Probably the oldest stupid guy in the race, or the stupidest old guy.
56th, 45+ State Crit Championships. I so could have won that race if I had crossed the line before everyone else.
25th, 45+ District Road Race, Bakersfield. Fuckers didn’t list me as a finisher. So what if I was, um, slightly off the back. I finished ahead of Bart Clifford, goddammit. I want my reputation back.
28th, Devil’s Punchbowl, 45+ Dropped and Flailed Again Category
19th, Vlees Huis Ronde, 45+ This is Hotter Than I Thought It Would Be Category
37th, First Annual SPY Belgian Waffle Ride, would have placed lots higher except for the cheaters and course cutters. My mother is going to write a really nasty letter on my behalf.
34th, [DFL] Torrance Crit, 45+ Gonna Get Manhandled Again Category
34th, Torrance Crit, 35+ 3/4 I Didn’t Even Know They Had a Loser Category Like This Category
46th, Anger Management Crit, Cat 3 Clumsy Bike Handlers Category
58th, Anger Management Crit, 45+ Juiced to the Gills Category
Packmeat, Now Energy Bar Crit, 35+ Ex-pros and Tattooed Freaks Category
39th, Now Energy Bar Crit, 45+ Arthritic Category
15th, UCLA Road Race, 45+ Elderly Gentlemen Category
4,587th, Palm Springs Century Ride
19th, Red Trolley Crit, 35+ What in the Fuck Am I Doing Here and Where’s DP Category?
40th, Red Trolley Crit, 45+ For Old Farts They Sure Race Hard Category
39th place, Boulevard Road Race, 45+ G$’s Gonna Win Again Category
36th, Poor College Kids Road Race, 35+ You Don’t Belong Here Category
Next-to-last (in front of King Harold), CBR 40+ Anger Management Crit. Left me off the placings because I stopped to help the two wankers who crashed out in the sprint. Fuckers. That 95th placing meant something to me.

2011
2nd, California State Team Time Trial, 180+ (fuck that sounds old).
DNF, UCLA Punchbowl RR, 45+ Elderly Gentlemen’s Category.
1st, CLIF Bar PV Hillclimb, 45+ Creaky Gentlemen’s Category (Roadchamp won ZERO time trials in 2011, by the way. Or 2010.)
27th, Boulevard RR, 45+ Decrepit Gentlemen’s Category.
2nd, Ironfly Club TTT, (only two entries, bested by Neumann/Spivey/King/Spalding and then fought with the old lady at the post-race party.)
DFL, CBR 40+ Anger Management Crit.
PMDFL (Pretty Much DFL), CBR 30+ Anger Management Crit.
Packmeat, Various Telo Flails.

2010
17th, State Road Race Championships, 45+ Achey Gentlemen’s Category.
19th, De Vlees Huis Ronde RR, 45+ Bum-Kneed Gentlemen and Scrape Up G$ Category.
1st, Ironfly Club ITT, Merckx Category.
NTDFL (Next To DFL), Devil’s Punchbowl RR, 45+ Arthritic Gentlemen’s Category, humiliatingly placed two spots behind Brad House, a result that will live in infamy.
10th, LA Circuit Race, 35+ Still Pretty Frisky Farts’ Race, P’wnd by Fukdude and Fireman.
35th, LA Circuit Race, 45+ Prostate-Sensitive Gentlemen’s Race.
1st, Team Pursuit, LAVRA Cup TT, towed around by Neumann, Walsh, Heeley.
9th, 3K Pursuit, LAVRA Cup TT.
6th, 2K Pursuit, LAVRA Cup TT.
4th, 4k Pursuit, LAVRA Cup TT.
4th, Omnium, LAVRA Cup.
3rd, Omnium Upgrade Race.
14th, Roger Millikan Memorial Crit, 45+ Thinkin’ ‘Bout Depends Category.
22nd, Roger Millikan Memorial Crit, 35+ These Boys Is Fast Category.
NECTF (Not Even Close To Finishing), Boulevard RR, 45+ What Are We Doing Here Category.
Packmeat, Various Telo Flails.

2009

54th, Manhattan Beach Grand Prix, 45+ Constipated Gentlemen’s Category.
Packmeat, Various Eldo Flails.
Packmeat, Various Telo Flails.

2008
32nd, Devil’s Punchbowl RR, 45+ Finished with Paul Douville, Unforgettably.
26th, San Luis Rey RR, 45+ Elderly Flatulators’ Race.
DFL, Dana Point Grand Prix, 35+, And They Left Me Off The Results The Bastards.
DNF, Dana Point Grand Prix, 45+, Crashed the Fuck Out of that Race Goddammit.
18th, State Championship Road Race, 45+ Flailing Old Goats’ Category.
7th, Ontario Dare to Flail Grand Prix, 45+ Aren’t We Too Old For This Category.
Packmeat, Varios Eldo and CBR Crit flails.
Packmeat, Various Telo Flails.

2007
Flailed around Southern California, no racing.

2006
Packmeat, Pure Austin Road Race, 35+.
Packmeat, Fayetteville (TX) Road Race, 35+.
Packmeat, Texas State Road Championships, 35+.
Flailed around Houston.

2005
Flail, Some West Houston 40k TT.
Flailed around Houston.

2002-2004
Finisher, Hotter than Hell 100 [2004].
Flailed around the Texas Panhandle and Eastern Oklahoma. Now that was some flailing. Jesus fucking Christ you haven’t flailed and flogged ’til you’ve ridden in a South Plains shitstorm.

2001-2002
Flailed around Austin, no racing.

1992-2000
Packmeat, Road Race in Tochigi, Japan.
Packmeat, Road Race in Gunma-ken, Japan.
Packmeat here, there, everywhere, Japan.

1992
Packmeat, Austin Tuesday Nighters, but rode out to the course a couple of times with Punk Lance.
BFS (Barely Fucking Survived), Austin Training Ride with Punk Lance and Fields.

1991
Flailed around Japan some more.

1989-1990
Flailed around the Eifel, up and down the Rhine, up the Mosel, no racing.
1st, Chili’s Crit, Announcer Category, Where I Christened the Amsterdam Hammer and He and Fields Rode Away from the Field. Race sponsored by the Good Kevin Callaway while managing Chili’s at Research and N. Lamar.

1988
Flailed around Austin, no racing.

1987
DNF, Texas State Road Championships.
Flailed all over Tochigi, Tokyo, Ibaraki, Gunma, Japan, no racing.

1986
3rd, Texas State Road Championships, Cat 2, one nasty-ass hot-ass tough fucking race.
1st, Gruene Time Trial, DQ’d for starting late and cursing the shit out of Will Rotzler.
1st, Blue Goose RR with Marco Vermeij and Rick Kent, riding my “Blue Goose” Eddy Merckx.
DNF, Violet Crown Expo Center Crit, Cat 2, Crashed out of Break While Mercilessly Berating Breakmates.
Packmeat, Fuckload of Tuesday Nighters, except one time I got third.
Can’t fucking remember anything else except that I did a shitload of races, so that means I was packmeat.

1985
1st, Georgetown Stage Race.
DNF, Bob Cook Memorial Hillclimb.
DNF, Some stage race in Fayetteville, Arkansas (Joe Martin, maybe) with Fields and Scott Dickson. Killed the hillclimb TT and did okay in the RR, got shelled in the crit and quit.
1st, Wildflower Classic.
Packmeat, Some circuit race at Fort Sam Houston in San Antonio.
1st, Some Lameass Race in Houston put on by Joe Bentley.
Packmeat, Dallas Grand Prix, crashed out by fellow Cat 3 Chris Hipp that fucker. (Dave, in those days we wanted to get OUT of the 3’s, not stay there forever.)
Packmeat, Bunch of other fucking races that are all a blur now. Remember Hans Schneider’s top tube on his new Vitus coming unglued in a race and smacking him so hard in the balls he couldn’t stand up for a week.

1984
1st, Blue Bluff to Bloor Rd. TT.
5th, Tour of Louisiana with Kevin Callaway and Jimbo Martin.
Pack Meat, La Primavera, Austin.
BF (Barely Finished), Texas State Individual Time Trial.
BF, Multiple motor pacing sessions with Fields on the Path of Truth.

END

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