Bike racer quiz

Are you a bike racer?

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There has been a lot of confusion recently about what constitutes a bike racer. I’ve developed a self-evaluation form to help clear things up.

  1. I have participated in a sanctioned or otherwise organized bike race competing against other live, non-virtual human beings at the same time on the same day over the same course, in the last calendar year. YOU ARE A BIKE RACER.
  2. I have “Cat 1” on my racing license. YOU ARE NOT A BIKE RACER.
  3. I have a really expensive racing bike. YOU ARE NOT A BIKE RACER.
  4. I belong to a bike racing team. YOU ARE NOT A BIKE RACER.
  5. I belong to bike racing club. YOU ARE NOT A BIKE RACER.
  6. I belong to a “concept” bike team. YOU ARE NOT A BIKE RACER.
  7. I used to be a bike racer. YOU ARE NOT A BIKE RACER.
  8. I have the most badass social media bike racing presence imaginable. YOU ARE NOT A BIKE RACER.
  9. I have more than a thousand followers on Strava. YOU ARE NOT A BIKE RACER.
  10. I won a bunch of sanctioned races totally doped. YOU ARE FOR SURE A BIKE RACER.
  11. I took a bunch of Strava KOMs totally doped. YOU ARE STILL NOT A BIKE RACER, AND YOU ARE BEYOND PATHETIC.
  12. I am on the board of directors of a bike racing club. YOU ARE NOT A BIKE RACER.
  13. I promote bike races. YOU ARE NOT A BIKE RACER.
  14. I own a home. YOU ARE ALMOST CERTAINLY NOT A BIKE RACER.
  15. I win every group ride I’m on. YOU ARE NOT A BIKE RACER AND NO, YOU DON’T.
  16. I sponsor a bike team. YOU ARE NOT A BIKE RACER.
  17. I coach the most successful bike racers in the world. YOU ARE NOT A BIKE RACER BUT YOU HAVE A GOOD CHINESE CONNECTION.
  18. Lance and I ride together in between court appearances. YOU ARE NOT A BIKE RACER, AND NEITHER IS HE.
  19. My kid can kick your ass on the bike, and off it, too. YOU ARE NOT A BIKE RACER, HE IS NOT A BIKE RACER.
  20. I am a bike lawyer. YOU ARE NOT A BIKE RACER.
  21. I have a really popular blog about bike racing and lots of advertisers and I get more free schwag in a month for faux “reviews” than you have bought in the last ten years. YOU ARE STILL NOT A BIKE RACER, BUT CAN I HAVE SOME TIRES?
  22. My name is [Bernard Hinault, Eddy Merckx, Patrick Sercu, etc.]. YOU ARE NOT A BIKE RACER. YOU ARE A DEITY.

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