Dear Mr. Masters Doper:

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I hate to be the one to break the news to you, but it’s really obvious. Now don’t get me wrong. Doping to get top ten in a creaky-kneed crit is totally worthwhile. Think of the guys who doped and barely cracked the top thirty. Those dudes must really suck.

And I’m not going to criticize you for spending money on drugs. After all, you’re already thousands down the tubes with the bikes and the gear … what’s a few thousand more to put your thumb on the scale? I get it.

Instead, I’m writing this helpful note to let you know that there are a few bedsheet corners that you need to tuck in, strictly for appearance’s sake, so that it doesn’t look so blatant.

For example, you really need to lose a bunch of weight. It’s not convincing, even in a masters race, for you to crush so convincingly with that giant sack of potatoes hanging over your waist line. And the way your gut is pushing up against that zipper you should at least carry an umbrella liability policy in case that skinsuit goes while they’re winching you up onto the podium. That zipper pops while you’re facing a crowd, someone’s losing an eye.

Here’s another tip. Don’t be such a flaming dick. You see, when you are a nice, humble, friendly doper, people kind of shrug and don’t care as much. We’re used to sleazebag, aw-shucks cheats in bike racing; heck, Bradley Wiggins was one of our biggest stars.

But when you pull incredible rides out of your ample ass and combine it with acting like a mini-Lance, people are going to start making phone calls to USADA, and one of these days the doorbell will ring and you’ll have to either pee in the cup and get banned or refuse to answer the door and get banned. You know how stupid it’s going to sound when you have explain why you doped … to your grandkids?

You know how embarrassing it’s  going to be when someone emails you the VeloSnooze headline: “[Another] SoCal Profamateur Caught Cheating.” The magazine is going to make a few phone calls and people will really open up about you, about what a despicable dude you are, about how absurdly fast you went from career loser to human cannonball, and about how everyone was laughing behind your back and rolling their eyes the whole time.

Anyway, these next few races you might want to ease off the gas a bit, although that’s probably hard to do when you’re juiced and ready to rumble. I dunno, maybe swap out the test with a 3-week cycle of orange juice?

Because people are talking, and what they’re saying isn’t good.

END

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