Bone idling wanker

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I have a bad memory. That’s why I write shit down. But some things stick, and none more than Sir Bradley Wiggins’s famous insult in 2012 that anyone who questioned the purity of his athletic achievements was a bone-idling wanker.

And then it turns out that in the year that he bone-actived his way to victory at the Dauphine, he had received a mysterious medical package, hand-delivered to his doctor for administration the day before Wiggins won the overall classification.

Cycling in the South Bay sat down with Sir David Brailsford, the boss of Team Sky committed to clean sport and transparency, to discuss the contents of the package.

CitSB: So what was in the package?

Sir D-B: Which package?

CitSB: Wiggins’s package.

Sir D-B: Oh, no one’s ever going to get Brad’s package.

CitSB: Uh, we’re not talking about his junk, Sir David.

Sir D-B: Heh, heh. Couldn’t resist a little joke there.

CitSB: So can you give us the chronology, starting with why Simon Cope, the guy carrying Wiggo’s package, was at the Dauphine the day before the final stage?

Sir D-B: Of course. Nothing simpler. Simon Cope had come to La Touissiere to meet up with Emma Pooley.

CitSB: Who?

Sir D-B: Emma Pooley. She was our Olympic silver medalist in 2008 and Simon was the coach of the women’s team. Nothing simpler. Just checkin’ in with one of his charges.

CitSB: Emma says, and I quote, “I absolutely was not at the Dauphine Libere in 2011, or any other year, and I absolutely did not meet Simon Cope there.”

Sir D-B: Did she say that? Oh, right. Of course. Yes. Well, that’s odd isn’t it?

CitSB: It is. So what was in the package?

Sir D-B: I don’t know. I have no idea. Really, this whole thing was brought to my attention recently. I never saw a package. Obviously, now I can’t go back and know what was in the package.

CitSB: Did it contain cheating drugs for cheaters who cheat?

Sir D-B: Oh no, absolutely not. Never. Impossible.

CitSB: But didn’t you just say that you never saw the package and can’t go back and know what was in it?

Sir D-B: Did I say that?

CitSB: Yes. A couple of lines up.

Sir D-B: Goodness. That hardly makes any sense, does it?

CitSB: No. So what was in the package for Sir Bradley Wiggins?

Sir D-B: Well I suppose it’s quite obvious by now. It contained Fluimucil.

CitSB: It did?

Sir D-B: Yes, of course. Which is legal and not banned and doesn’t aid performance.

CitSB: And Simon Cope, the women’s cycling coach, flew from Manchester to Geneva to deliver the Fluimucil?

Sir D-B: Why yes, obviously, which is perfectly legal and not banned and doesn’t aid performance.

CitSB: But Fluimucil isn’t sold in the UK, is it?

Sir D-B: No, I suppose it isn’t.

CitSB: So it wasn’t available in Manchester, where Cope was flying from, and was available in France, where Wiggins was racing, for about eight euros, right?

Sir D-B: Well yes, I suppose it was.

CitSB: So Simon Cope flew a thousand miles to deliver a legal over-the-counter medicine not sold in Britain that Wiggins could have picked up for ten bucks?

Sir D-B: It sounds a bit preposterous, I must say.

CitSB: Okay, stranger things have happened.

Sir D-B: It is cycling, remember.

CitSB: Right. So what did Wiggins do with the legal non-performance enhancing Fluimucil the day before the big stage race he won which was his biggest professional road victory to date?

Sir D-B: He didn’t “do” anything. The package was given to his doctor, Dr. Freeman. And Freeman administered the Fluimucil.

CitSB: He did?

Sir D-B: Yes, of course. Put it into a nebuliser, you know, a little spray thingy that goes up the nose. A spritzer type thing.

CitSB: He did that with Fluimucil?

Sir D-B: Absolutely.

CitSB: It says on the Fluimucil web site that Fluimucil is for oral ingestion only. You drop a couple of tablets in water and drink it. Why would he have needed a doctor for that?

Sir D-B: That’s a very good question. An excellent one, actually. However it’s important to note that Fluimucil is not banned, is legal, and is not a performance enhancing drug.

CitSB: Neither is sand.

Sir D-B: Good point, that. I say, you’re a bit of a clever chap.

CitSB: Thank you.

Sir D-B: We’ve got a couple of openings here at Team Sky if you’re interested.

CitSB: Really?

Sir D-B: Send me your resume after we finish. And try to make this look good, okay? Perhaps you could spin the angle about other teams doping, or perhaps we could give you a ride in the team bus? Have an espresso with Wiggo and the boys?

CitSB: You got it, Sir David.

END

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