If you want to be a profamateur in SoCal you had better follow these rules.
- A week has two days: off days (1) and ride days (6).
- Buy full-carbon wheels for the annual fun ride.
- Never test, try out, or adjust trick equipment until five minutes before the race begins on race day.
- Always wear skinsuit, teardrop, and shoe covers on the coffee ride.
- Call the plumbing shop, ambulance chaser, and web designer on your jersey “my sponsors.”
- 5-10 minutes after getting shelled and falling into a grupetto, talk about who you think is doping.
- Whenever anyone suggests anything (movie, anniversary dinner, child’s talent show, free vacation to Monaco) ask yourself, “How will this affect my training plan?”
- Have at least one coach to analyze, critique, and fine tune the training plan of your other coach.
- The off season is when you train at race speeds and intensity.
- The race season is when you recover for the off season.
- Don’t ever acknowledge on or off the bike anyone you’ve ever beaten in a race.
- Hire a dietician.
- Often say, “They can test me anytime, anywhere.”
- Always color-coordinate.
- Wrap your car, or better yet, your Mercedes Sprinter van.
- Anything done by Prez or Charon.
- [Add your SoCal profamateur rule here.]END
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