The New Year is right around the corner, and there’s no way you’re thinking about 2014 resolutions while you’re still in the middle of that terrible sugar coma combined with the ill effects of too much beer, too much tequila, too many carbs topped with sugar and butter, not enough sleep, zero exercise except for that little wrist flex that lets you run your credit card, and cheating on your wife.
The bad news is that, after reviewing your life history, we’ve concluded that resolutions are hopeless. You will remain the same slug-like entity you have always been, only you’ll be older, uglier, slower, more stupid, and irrevocably closer to death. The good news is that instead of burdening you with resolutions to bring out the “New You,” a you who, by the way, has zero chance of ever happening, we’re introducing Wanky’s New Year’s Desolutions ™ that are designed to enhance those qualities that make you the wanker you already are.
Top 10 Desolutions for 2014
- Wanky Gruntervals ™ : No intervals to make you faster in 2014! Instead, we’re prescribing a series of Wanky Gruntervals ™ that won’t make you one whit faster but, on the other hand, won’t cause you any discomfort, either. Grunterval workout: Do this once a month or less, depending on how many you can squeeze in as you shuttle between your home and your mistress. 2 x 2 minutes at 3% of your FTP, or less. Do these until you are completely bored. Quitting early is fine. If you reach a point where you have to push through the slowness, you’re trying too hard. Back off and give up.
- Three B’s Wanky Diet Plan ™ : Thinking about going gluten free? Well, those little gluten fuckers will stay in prison under Wanky’s Three B’s Diet Plan ™. Heard great things about the Paleo Diet? Don’t be a Homo habilis. The Three B’s are simple — beer, butter, and bread. You can throw in “boinking” for extra credit if you’re feeling energetic. The Mon – Sun meal plan looks like this: Shit ton of beer, fresh home-baked bread slathered with another shit-ton of butter, and lots of sleep. “But!” you protest. “That will make me enormous!” Yes, I believe the phrase is “fat and happy.” And for 2014, the goal is happy.
- Wanky’s Biker Budget Plan ™ : When you review your finances from 2013 it will be clear that you are flat ass broker than a street bum after cashing in his $20 scratch ‘n sniff lottery ticket. You pissed away what little excess you had on bike crap and beer. Yours was the only charge card that Target decided not to leak. The Wanky Biker Budget Plan ™ will allow you to get back to financial stability by instituting 100% austerity measures that include never paying your child support or alimony, filing bankruptcy to discharge all your bad debt, defaulting on your mortgage, and stealing someone else’s identity so that you can start fresh, i.e. “get a cool new bike and some wheels.”
- Wanky’s Family Plan ™ : You know how you were planning on getting to know your kids better? Spend more time with your loved ones? Well, fuck that shit. The Wanky Family Plan ™ includes an exhaustive list of excuses that you can text your family members explaining why you have to ride, or keep riding, or drive two days to get to that three-day race, or (most importantly) why you’re too tired after doing all those things to do anything except sleep. And get me a goddamned sandwich and a beer, okay?
- Wanky’s Race Resume Builder ™ : Let’s face it, you’re never going to get on a good old farts’ race team, you know, one that gives you cool swag and beer money. Why? Because you suck and you’re an asshole. So rather than hitting up “friends” for space on that team you’ll never get on, the Wanky Race Resume Builder ™ recognizes your utter hopelessness and lets you target teams that would be glad to have you. List includes: Bozo’s Baby Fatback Ribs and Pork Bellies Race Team; Edgar’s Vaginal Inserts Race Team; Snuffy’s Penis Lengtheners Road Warriors; West Bay Rehab Clinics Wheelpeople; and Old Fatty Rouleurs.
- The Wanky Kool Century ™ : So each year you swear you’re going to do a full century but you always bail at the last minute, right? The Wanky Kool Century ™ is only four miles long, starts at a hamburger shop and ends at a beer joint. You get a t-shirt with registration (only size available is the only one you’ll need, XXXXL) and a commemorative Wanky Drinkypants Beer Stein ™. The t-shirt tells the world that you were a “Top 10 Finisher” in a 100-mile bike ride and also says “State Champion” with a bear insignia. Done.
- Wanky’s Job Advancement Planner ™ : You’ve been mired in a dead-end job for twenty years for a reason, and that reason is spelled “bicycling.” As long as you only talk about bikes, you will never get promoted ahead of that eager-beaver, bright-eyed, conquer-the-world shithead who gets there early, stays late, never complains, and struts all over the office with the boss’s dick in his mouth. The Job Advancement Planner ™ is a taped set you can listen to on morning rides that lets you answer questions such as “How’s the project going, Bill?” and “Have you completed the reports yet, Sandy?” in a professional way. Sample answers include “It’s right on time,” and “It’ll be done by the end of the day,” instead of your standard responses, i.e. “Project? Fuck that. I have 41 pages of KOM’s on Strava now, dude,” and “I’ll get that report done after training camp.”
Okay, folks, you’re ready to rock it in 2014. And you know who to thank, preferably in cash as explained in the note below.
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Note to reader: Did you know that you can now subscribe to Cycling in the South Bay in order to keep this invaluable stream of time-wasting nonsense coming on a daily basis? For a mere $2.99 per month you can pay money for something that you could otherwise have for free. Click here and select the “subscribe” link in the upper right-hand corner … and thanks!